I don't know what, or why. It's just that I realized how sad my life is. It's like I'm just that person, the one that is always a back-up plan, that type where no one ever wants to hang-up with. The kind that people ask you to stay with them until they need to go off to meet someone else. It's a shit ass kind of feeling that really drives a person to almost tears. And the worst thing, I'm in school now, so it's really irritating when you feel so useless and second-choiced and you really can't do much about it. Except but to marinate in self-pity, shame and understand the life I call pathetic. Is it a good feeling? No. Can I do anything? I wish I could. I feel as if I've done everything already, to be a good enough friend. Not a 'Hey, I have something on 3 hours later, can you just be the person to kill the time for me?' It's not because I was chosen, but more of because everyone knows that I have no one to go with, because no one WANTS to go out with me.
It hurts because. You see people going out with some people, anyone actually, after school ends, and even if you really want to go out with anyone, despite asking all of the people you know, you're either left with, 'Oh sorry, not free', or just simply, not a reply. And it becomes a fearful thing when the question of 'Where are you going after school?'. Why? It always ends up either way. It's either I say I am going home. Or that the person asks me to follow him/her to do stuff, cause I am that person. When I need help, I feel like everyone is suddenly busy with something again. I don't want to complain, because I am thankful to have met the people I have met, it's just that sometimes, despite having many people talking me, many people next me, it is in these occasions where I feel as if I was the loneliest person on the planet. It hurts because I tried to do what I thought can help have people try to be next to me, tried to dress nice, be funny, do anything, but still always a 'time-filler' and never the one that people Want to go out with. And always a 'Hey, nobody goes out with him, let's use him to waste time.' or 'Please don't ask him, only ask if really got no choice.'
It's hurtful because I go home everyday, wanting to ask a person a question, and realize I have no one to rely on ever. That if I don't solve it myself, I'm fucked. It sucks because you want to go out or do something fun with friends, you can't because they're having fun with their friends.
It's not a rant, or trying to attract any readers, it's just that I can't find any other ways to express what I want to say.